my new boss, grief, (a grief recovery tool.)
I think it was in the year 2000 maybe it was 1999, a friend of mine suggested that perhaps I should attend a hospice sponsored grief group. Her father had recently passed away. She went to the group and really liked the counselor. She said that it really helped her through the difficult time one finds themself in with the loss of a loved one. She knew that I was still holding onto the grief from suddenly losing my mother when I was 14 in the year 1972. I wasn’t sure how she knew this, but I guess she could tell. And it had occurred to me that I did still carry grief, unresolved feelings of trauma from my Mother’s death. Perhaps she was right, the grief group could help with some resolution. It felt like the right thing to do.
I signed up for the group. I confessed to everyone that my grief is very old and perhaps it was not appropriate that I stay in the group as these other people were overtly suffering from more recent tragedies. They all discussed whether it would be appropriate or not for me to remain in the group and it was decided that I could stay. Mostly the counselor who ran the group made the decision, his father had died when he was only two years old, in World War II. He completely understood what it meant to be holding onto unresolved grief and what it meant to be living with a very old pain.
It was a nine-week program that met every Monday. Most of the activities that we were requested to participate in did not resonate with me at all. But I respectfully followed along with the activity each week. One week we were given a stack of old magazines and blank oak tag paper. We spent the hour and a half making a collage fashioned after our Deceased loved one. My collage was based on my impression of whom my mother was, but I was fabricating her likes and dislikes from stories I’d been told. I really did not feel a heart connection to my collage, unlike the other people in the group, I was not teary eyed. Another week we all shouted out one-word descriptions of what grief looked like that day for us. The words on the wall-sized chalkboard were words describing my everyday feelings and confusion for all the years since she passed away, all 28 years!
But mostly what I remember about that grief group was how lost everyone was. They all told stories of forgetting why they were standing in the produce aisle looking at the tomatoes or making wrong turns while driving on roads they’ve known for years. Some were paralyzed and unable to make decisions, I’m talking about a 70-year-old woman whose his husband had died six months earlier, or a middle-aged man who had lost his sister. We would start each meeting going around the table discussing how we felt during the week that had just passed. All I could do was listen to their confusion and their pain but my reporting’s were of my everyday normal life. My normal life that I hadn't realized was clouded by my ancient grief.
Over the course of the nine weeks I learned a lot and nothing to do with the syllabus. I witnessed how grief alters your ability to think, your ability to set boundaries, one’s ability to participate in the world with clarity.
I came to realize, hell, if a 70-year-old woman is confused by her choices imagine how I must’ve been at 14. No wonder I made poor choices that involved drugs and alcohol and sex. I looked at the other people and heard their stories and I started to forgive myself for my reaction to grief as a 14-year-old. And my grief fell upon me at a time before people knew what to do with grieving children, so not only was I grieving but I had no guidance. Yes I looked at the people across the conference table in our grief group and instead of seeing their faces I saw mine, a traumatized Lost and beautiful 14-year-old. Yes, I found forgiveness. Forgiveness to myself leads to compassion for myself, and then I realized that I had braided a braid of pain with my grief. After making all the poor choices my father would swoop in and severely punish me. So on top of grief I took on shame, I really believed I was bad. And on top of that shame, which was on top of the grief, I had to put on a strong, brave happy face, a face that told my family and my teachers I'm okay I will be okay everything is okay but it really wasn't. There was my Braid of Pain, it was revealed to me as the adult me witnessed other adults in grief and at the same time I could witness and imagine good Little Sue who had just lost her mother and had no guidance into or through the pain. It wasn't too many weeks afterwards that with the help of a therapist I unbraided the pain. This saved my life, freed me to love myself or at least set me on the path to finding how to love myself.
In contemplating everything I gained from the seemingly simple grief group that I did not even really feel connected to, I developed a tool that I would be able to use unfortunately in the ensuing years, as my father died, my beloved aunt died, my younger brother passed away suddenly and now the same week as my baby brother has passed away I am putting this tool into action and it is most helpful.
Right now, yes, this day, this minute, it’s easy for me to talk about this because I am living and breathing the philosophy I came up with around grief. It’s an idea and a tool all in one.
If you look at your situation, your grief as a new part-time job, and you have a new boss, your boss's name is grief. You do not know when your boss will call you to work and you do not know what your boss will ask you to do. Your boss might ask you to eat too much ice cream, or you might be called to never get out of your pajamas. Perhaps you'll be asked to drink some whiskey or to lose track of what you're saying. Perhaps one night you’ll need to go out dancing for your boss or never leave your house for 10 days. But if you listen to your boss and do what your boss asks of you, and you do it with awareness that your boss called grief is asking you to follow what he needs of you. If you remember it's grief that has you forgetting why you're standing in the produce aisle then you can be proud that you're honoring your new part-time boss. You will not be disappointed in yourself at all of the seemingly weird things you find yourself doing.
And if you remember that you have this new part-time job that calls you to work at unpredictable times with unpredictable tasks and with unpredictable frequency then you will remember to not take on any other added obligations and responsibilities. If a parent for a fundraising Committee asks if you would join in helping gather items for an auction you might be tempted and think you can do that. But then down the road in the midst of your grief you might find the task impossible. Remind yourself before you say yes that you already have a new part-time job, and even when you are asked to volunteer or participate in a new activity you might not be feeling grief that moment, you might not be doing your grieving job, I find it easy just say no if I remember about my new part-time boss.
It depends on each individual and each situation on how long you're going to have this new part-time job. Here I am my brother has only passed away four days ago and I'm having a good day and without remembering I have a new part-time job, the new boss called grief I would be tempted to help someone if I were asked and I know this would be a mistake. I know at any minute or any hour or any day any week, my part-time boss may call and make it impossible for me to do any new commitment.
My little baby brother has passed away and I'm going to commit to my new part-time boss for the better part of 6 to 8 months.
And in acknowledging that I have this new job I'm sure I have avoided taking on or building a new braid of pain on top of grief. And one day I will be able to retire and say goodbye to this boss. I will be free once again to conquer anything I want to do including experience joy.
